Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
4 common triggers for high sensitivity and how to manage them
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make seemingly easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.
Remember that high sensitivity is not a disorder. It’s simply a part of who you are, and you can thrive once you understand it.
Not sure whether or not you are highly sensitive? Click here.
Here are 4 common triggers for highly sensitive people
1) Moving too fast
We live in a world in which things are moving faster and faster all the time. People are multitasking constantly- we even boast about getting 4 hours of sleep while juggling 3 businesses, 9 kids and a husband. As a highly sensitive woman, you might feel less than because you might not have the bandwidth to sustain such a lifestyle.
A life that moves at the speed of light can be a big trigger for highly sensitive people. Does that mean you can never become an ER physician or some other career that entails moving fast? Nope. It just means that you have to put systems in place that allow to care for yourself while in busy seasons.
This is where schedules and routines come in handy. Before rushing out in the morning, take a few minutes to get ready for the hectic day. Your cup has to be filled so that it doesn’t completely empty out.
That can look like:
Having a good breakfast (hunger is a BIG trigger for us HSPs)
Ensuring you get enough sleep at night
Starting the day off slowly in prayer or Bible study (rather than with the TV, news or emails)
Talking on the phone with an encouraging friend
Prioritizing certain tasks, rather than trying to juggle too many things at once
Learning to set good boundaries and say “No” when you are at capacity
2) Not enough alone time
Did you know that most highly sensitive people are introverts? Yup! But even if you are a highly sensitive extrovert, alone time is priceless. This is because of how highly sensitive people spend so much time deeply processing the world around them.
By the end of the day, it becomes so much that reducing stimulation is a great way to recharge.
What can that look like?
Taking a few minutes to sit in the car to breathe and reset before facing the many people who depend on you at home.
Have a ‘me time’ routine- which could look like whatever feels good to you- watching TV, reading, sewing, working out, sitting in silence (my favorite), etc. You make the rules. Try different things and see what works for you.
3) Hanging out with the wrong people
I am convinced that every highly sensitive person needs at least one healthy highly sensitive friend in their life. This does not mean that highly sensitive people are superior to non-highly sensitive people, it just means that it is sometimes nice to not have to explain yourself to others.
And it does not mean that all highly sensitive people are the same- we could still have disagreements, as not every highly sensitive person is necessarily empathetic or kind.
But when you constantly hang out with people who question your sensitivity, who speak unkindly to you, who make you feel small, or who dismiss your feelings, you will be triggered all day long.
So what do you do about this?
Take stock of the relationships you currently have.
Do they serve you well or is it just a one-way street? Do you feel happier when you are around your closest friends? Or do you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Remember that you have a voice and choice.
Do a friendship edit.
Once you have taken stock of the people around you, decide which ones are healthy, and which ones are not. You definitely will know people who are unhealthy, because they are the ones whose phone calls you dread taking. They also the ones you can be authentic with. Decide what you want to do with those relationships, do you want to continue to suffer, or are you able to speak to that person about how they hurt you? A safe friend listens and adjusts accordingly.
4) Ignoring your physical needs
Highly sensitive people tend to be more triggered by sickness, hunger and tiredness than their non sensitive colleagues. In a bid to want to ‘push through’ and ‘hustle,’ sometimes we ignore actual physical needs.
The fix?
Stop skipping meals- even if everyone seems to do so.
Take breaks when possible- again, even if others think you are ‘lazy’ or ‘low energy.’
Take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. It’s okay to seek medical attention and NOT push through.
And there you have it.
Ready to ditch the constant overwhelm, finally learn how to stand up for yourself and finally make high sensitivity your super power? Click here to schedule a consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I am a licensed therapist and coach in Houston.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
How to assertively set healthy boundaries in marriage and other relationships
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.
Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.
It is important to note that you are in control of your own boundaries. You decide what is good for you, what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable. And it is your responsibility to communicate that to others. Boundaries are a practice. The more you practice it, the better you get at it.
Understand where your comfort zone lies
Before you are able to set boundaries, you must first know where your comfort zone is. A boundary is there to protect you and to help others understand how to treat you. The biggest struggle I hear about boundary setting is not wanting to hurt other people’s feeling. Before focusing on others, first check in with yourself and ask these questions:
What do I actually want?
How do I feel about the situation?
What outcome do I want?
Decide what to say
Once you have decided what you want from the situation, it’s time to practice what to say. Practice makes things better because as a HSP, you might not feel comfortable expressing yourself without prior practice. Here is a simple framework to help you ask for what you want:
State your feelings: “I feel [hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, ignored, disrespected].”
State why you feel that way: “Because you were staring at your phone when I was speaking to you.”
State your need: “What I need is for you to make eye contact with me when we are talking about serious issues.”
Keep Practicing
The more you practice boundaries, the better you get at it. If you falter a few times, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get better with time.
If you are a highly sensitive woman who wants to learn how to manage big emotions, stand up for yourself and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule a free breakthrough call so you can learn how to make sensitivity your super power. Let’s see if you can benefit from a high sensitivity coach.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 3)
Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.
For the past few weeks, I have been diving into exactly what high sensitivity is. If you want a complete definition of what high sensitivity is, click here for the first part of this blog. And if you are wondering whether or not you are highly sensitive, click here to take Dr Elaine Aron’s high sensitivity self test.
In my previous blog I mentioned that there are four parts to high sensitivity:
Depth of processing (To learn more about depth of processing click here)
Overarousability (To learn more about depth of processing click here)
Emotional Intensity
Sensory processing sensitivity
Today, I'll be focusing on emotional intensity.
Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.
This is one of the top struggles I see in my practice as an anxiety therapist in Houston and as a high sensitivity coach. Most highly sensitive people are embarrassed because they tend to cry a lot. People with high sensitivity often complain that they cry when they're angry, sad, upset, frustrated, or even tired. And this often elicits negative comments from the non sensitive people around them such as “Why are you such a cry baby?” Or “Why do you always have to cry?,” or “You cry too much.” This then causes the sensitive person to believe that they are “Dramatic” or “Too soft.”
How to manage emotional intensity
Turn to the arts
Highly sensitive people often do well when they have an outlet for their emotions. If you do not have supportive people around you who can listen to your struggles, or help you process your emotions, you can try processing your emotions through arts, downs, music, writing or some sort of creative outlet.
Become your own cheerleader
Chances are you were called dramatic or you felt like your emotions were not welcome when you were growing up, so as an adult it might be helpful to become your own cheerleader.
Whenever you have an experience of a big emotion, you can let yourself know that it is actually OK to have those deep emotions. Remember that every single person on earth experiences emotions. The difference between you and them is that you just experience them on a much bigger scale and you express them a bit differently.
Learn more about emotions
I know that this might sound counterintuitive. On the one hand, you feel like you have way too many emotions, but on the other hand, you might not know too much about emotions because most of your life, your emotions were made fun of, shamed, or pushed away.
One of my favorite tools for recognizing emotions is called the feelings wheel. It is a colorful wheel that has a list of many different emotions that range in depth and intensity.
When you feel some sort of emotion going on inside you, take a look at the feelings wheel and try to pinpoint what emotion it is that you are feeling. This not only empowers you, but it puts a name to the feeling, thereby reducing your feeling of shame or confusion.
And there we go. The third characteristic of high sensitivity is done. If you are a highly sensitive woman looking to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions and finally stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough session to see how we can work together.
5 Myths about anger that are keeping you angry
In my anger management class in Murrieta, I teach people how to become more in tune with their emotions, how to express themselves in an assertive way, and to learn how to communicate better with the people around them. I've noticed a common thread among clients who take my anger management class in Murrieta. They often believe some myths about anger. Here are the top 5 myths about anger that I'd like to dispel:
Anger is genetic
How many times have you heard someone say "I'm Italian, so I have a big personality!" or "I'm from New York, so I scream when I talk." Or my favorite: "I'm Nigerian so that's just how I behave." We sometimes falsely believe that we should be angry because our parents were angry people or people from our culture or our town are angry. Well, I'm happy to let you know that anger is in fact NOT genetic. Your angry father did not pass his anger gene down to you like he passed down his brown eyes.
An angry expression of emotions is actually a learned behavior. So when you were growing up, perhaps your dad would yell whenever he was irritated or your mom would hit you whenever you broke the rules. Watching them express themselves in this way shapes you to believe that this is the only way to express frustration.
What this means is that the angry expression of emotions can actually be unlearned. Just like you were taught to scream at people, throw things or punch walls, you can also be taught to speak assertively, communicate clearly and to express yourself in a different way. Isn't that nice?
Anger leads to aggression
Many people actually believe that anger naturally leads to aggression. They run away from the emotions because they fear that it will lead to hitting, getting into fights or doing something they will regret later. To be clear, aggression is any behavior with the intention of controlling the other person. So if you refuse to listen to other people's point of view, if you constantly talk over others and try to get your way all the time, you're acting aggressively. Few people will actually admit that they are aggressive.
Anger doesn't automatically lead to aggression. You are actually in control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Now when people are in the heat of anger, they might feel like they have no control over themselves. This is untrue. The problem is you might not have the necessary tools to know what to do when your anger is reaching its peak. That's why you might feel out of control. But once you've learned specific tools to manage your anger (HINT: Which I teach in my anger management class), you'll find that your level of aggression becomes less and less.
Angry people always get their way
Some people actually use anger as a form of manipulation. They believe that if they lash out or yell, their partners or loved ones will have no choice but to comply. Well, I have to say that it works sometimes. Their children, spouses and friends become so afraid of them, that they just do whatever they want to avoid an argument.
However, this can only work for so long. After a while, children grow up and become adults with boundaries. They'll move out of your house and decide to cut you out of their lives. Spouses will begin to stand up for themselves and you'll realize that you cannot always get your way. The only thing anger does is it creates separation between you and the people you love.
Anger is bad
Many clients have come in to my anger management group with their heads hanging low. They have been told or they believe that people who experience anger are bad. Anger is simply an emotion. And I believe it's neutral. Uncontrolled anger on the other hand, can lead you into a hot mess. When you are angry, it's important to dig in and figure out why exactly you are angry. In my group, I teach my clients that anger is simply a secondary emotion. This means it's just a symptom of something else going on. So when someone yells at you in public, you probably feel embarrassed or disrespected, which then leads to anger. When your child isn't listening to you, you might feel frustrated, which leads to anger. When your partner breaks up with you, you feel hurt, which leads to anger.
Do you get it? Your anger is like the check engine light of your car. The light is simply a warning sign. The light is neutral. What you need to do is open up the hood of your car. If you cover up the light or ignore it, the problem will persist, get worse and then your car will be in worse shape.
You should get anger out by hitting
Often times people say to me, "I'll just go hit the punching bags when I'm angry." While this might be a great work out, hitting something (or someone) when you're angry doesn't resolve anything. All it teaches you is how to be a great hitter. In the moment it feels great, because it's a good way to distract yourself from everything going on in your head, but punching something when you're angry doesn't resolve your relationship or soothe your hurt feelings.
Ready to work on your anger issues so that your anger is no longer in control of you? Great! Click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call with me to see if my anger management group in Murrieta is right for you. You can also call me at 951-905-3181. Make anger a thing of the past. It's all up to you.
5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear
Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?
You have always felt like you're different from other people. You get overwhelmed easily, you feel other people's emotions strongly, certain fabrics feel like sandpaper when they touch your skin, and you tend to get anxious a lot. You don't fit in in the world, your family thinks you're too sensitive, and your friends certainly don't get you. You were called "Weird" when you were growing up, but you've always hated that. You don't enjoy going to the club, other loud places, or being among a large crowd. You also tend to spend a great deal of time on your own. There's something about time alone that soothes you and makes you feel rejuvenated.
Maybe you're simply just unique.
You were created with certain unique gifts that set you apart from the people around you. Maybe that's why you never fit into a box. But let's face it, a part of you always wanted to be understood. A part of you wished others would understand you. But maybe you were never meant to fit in, maybe boxes weren't made for people like you.
A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is someone who processes stimuli a lot stronger than others. The term was actually coined by a researcher called Dr Elaine Aron. So you might hear a lot sharper than others, notice little nuances in the environment that others ignore, feel sensations stronger (hence the itchy fabric issue) and even feel emotions more strongly than others. You feelings might get hurt more easily. A HSP is often very empathetic. They might cry more when they watch a sad movie, or they might be completely horrified and might not be able to watch violent movies or play graphic video games. They often see the hurt and the pain that other people try to hide. Because they're so empathetic, others tend to gravitate towards them and pour out their hearts to them. But the problem with this is, a HSP often feels the need to help everyone- leaving her with no energy left for her own emotional needs. If you're curious to see if you're a HSP, take the test here.
Here are some traits of HSPs:
1) People think you're sensitive or shy.
2) You are bothered by loud noises and bright lights.
3) You get frazzled when there's too much going on in your life.
4) You enjoy structure.
5) You avoid violent movies and games.
6) You love spending time all by yourself.
7) You tend to soak up other people's emotions.
So if you take the HSP test and find out that you're a HSP, congrats!! You are one of the chosen few. Only 15% to 20% of people are HSP. This is why others find it difficult to understand you-it's because you're a rarity. So take off the stigma of being weird and different. You are indeed unique- not weird. I love helping HSP women learn how to care for themselves, learn how to maneuver their way in this loud world so that they can how harness their innate gifts and create meaningful relationships. Click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call, so I can help you move from emotionally exhausted woman to a master boundary setter. I also provide online counseling for women throughout CA.
5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?