Breaking the Silence: Expressing Needs as a Highly Sensitive Woman in Marriage
The Silent Struggle: Why Not Speaking Up Can Harm Your Marriage
One big struggle that you might face as a highly sensitive woman is not being able to fully express your thoughts and/or needs to your spouse. Perhaps it’s because your needs have gone unmet in the past. Or maybe you have expressed yourself, but you don’t feel heard. Or perhaps you’re just so overwhelmed with emotions that you don’t know how to express yourself appropriately.
Overtime, if you keep stuffing your emotions or not expressing yourself as you wish to, it could eventually lead to emotional distance between you and your spouse, pent up resentment (because your spouse’s needs are getting met while yours aren’t) and tons of misunderstandings in your marriage. Sometimes your spouse actually wants to help you meet your needs, but they can’t read your mind. But because you’re not saying anything, your needs go down the toilet.
Silence can be a big issue for a highly sensitive woman like you, because you end up just stewing in your own thoughts. You assume the worst of the situation- which is where the resentment and anger build up can come in. And once resentment comes in, it’s really hard to soften things up from there (but it’s not impossible).
Recognizing the Signs You’re Suppressing Your Needs
So how exactly do you know when you’ve been running around your marriage with unexpressed needs? One sign is when you start feeling disconnected from your spouse. You just feel in your heart like something is missing. You stare at their face daily and just have a tinge of sadness because something is missing for you. This can quickly grow into anger and frustration.
Another sign that your needs are suppressed is that you just feel completely overwhelmed. It’s like your love tank is on empty. Everything around you begins to look like such a chore. You are physically and emotionally drained and it definitely doesn’t feel good. For example, your husband calls you on his way back from work and asks you to make a delicious dinner that he loves. And even though normally, you’d love to do it, but because you are so overwhelmed, you end up yelling at him. He’s confused and has no clue why you just yelled at him. Or maybe you don’t yell. You say “Yes dear!” But as you stir the meal in the pot, you feel your heart pounding with anger or frustration.
And other times, you just feel emotionally burned out. It feels like you have been pouring into everyone and their mama, and you get no love in return. It’s not that you don’t like serving others, it’s just that you also need to be served and poured into. So you find yourself suddenly breaking into tears because something small happened. It’s because all your emotions are piled up on the inside and you need to be heard.
Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability in Your Christian Marriage
If you have grown up in an environment in which your needs have gone unmet, it can make it very difficult to speak up about your needs. You fear that you might be rejected or judged simply for expressing your needs. But if you have married a spouse who truly does love you, keep this at the forefront of your mind. You deserve to be heard, for if you’re not heard, it means your spouse will never know how to meet what you need. And a loving spouse does want to meet your needs.
The more you practice speaking up, the easier it gets over time. For each time you speak up and get your needs met, it gives you the boldness you need to keep it going. Remember that vulnerability is strength. You can be a highly sensitive woman who puts on her big girl brave pants and asks for what she needs. The only path to true emotional intimacy is by being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, it means that you have successfully taken down your walls and your spouse can see the real you. When he can see the real you, he can connect with the real you-hence the intimacy piece. Because you don’t want to be married to someone whom you are only connected to in a shallow way.
Practical Steps for Confidently Sharing Your Feelings
So now that we know how to spot signs that your needs have been unmet, as well as how to overcome the fear of vulnerability, it’s time to actually ask for what you need. Ensure that you focus on yourself. “I” statements are your friend. This is not the time to scream, point fingers, use put downs or get aggressive with your spouse. I believe that no matter how tired you are, if you are married to a rational man who loves you and wants your best, it’s possible to get over the hump of feeling ignored and invalidated.
Before you speak up, it’s important to set the tone. In the spirit of vulnerability, let your spouse know that you want to ask fo something that’s important to know. Let it be known that it’s been on your mind for a while and it’s important to you if he listened and acquiesced. Pick the right place and time. Don’t try to get your needs met when you’re exhausted, when it’s too late at night or when your spouse isn’t paying attention. Let’s set you up for success.
My simple formula goes like this (Actually this is taken from The Gottman Couple’s Therapy Method):
“I feel [insert feeling word], about [insert situation], here’s what I need [insert need].“
So here’s an example of using the above formula: “I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do, What I need is to be able to outsource my tasks and for you and I to schedule a relaxing date night.” Then you can proceed to create a plan for outsourcing and date night.
See? Easy peasy. Spend some time practicing this on your own before you actually speak up. It’ll help boost your confidence.
The Benefits of Christian Marriage Counseling for Sensitive Women
Christian Marriage Counseling can provide a safe space to learn how to practice assertive communication skills. You’ll learn how to express your emotions in a way that your spouse can understand. And it will feel good for you too. You’ll be able to process those pent up emotions, learn how to express yourself clearly and deeply connect with your spouse. That way we can get rid of the overwhelm and resentment, and help you take some steps closer to your spouse. Once we’ve done this, you’ll naturally build your friendship and intimacy with your spouse.
My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you stay rooted in your values. While I do not indoctrinate you or tell you what to believe, I am your guide. My job is to help you create a culture in your household where both you and your spouse feel closer, your needs both get met and you’re able to peacefully resolve conflicts that might come your way. Sounds great right?
If you’re struggling to express your needs, it’s time for change. Connect with me- a Black therapist in Houston who specializes in Christian marriage counseling in Houston to help you find your voice. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
