Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Long day? Here's how to vent to your spouse and get the support you need in marriage-Tips from a marriage therapist in Houston
One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.
Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.
One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.
Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.
What most couples say they do when I see them in marriage counseling in Houston is they come home from work, or they have a long day, they have all this pent up stress inside them, but they have no place to put it. They do this same dance over and over again until it creates emotional separation between them.
When you are frustrated and stressed, but do not accurately communicate that with your spouse, it ends up looking like you are rejecting your spouse. If you are worried about how to effectively communicate with your spouse when you are having a bad or stressful day, here are some easy steps for you:
1) Pick the right time
Timing is everything when it comes to communication. Ensure that neither you nor your spouse are feeling emotionally charged before you have this conversation. If you need to take a few moments to relax or unwind first, then do so.
2) Decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener
This sounds awfully formal, but it’s a lot easier than it sounds. While there is room for both of you to talk about your stress, it is a lot easier if you take turns. This will ensure that each person gets the attention and support they need.
The speaker’s job is easy. All you have to do is speak to your spouse about the stress you are going through. That’s it. In this framework, the listener does all the hard work.
3) The listener needs to stick to these simple rules
Most married people think they are great listeners, but you know what? Most people suck at listening. After you learn this framework in my Houston marriage counseling practice, you’ll realize we all have room to grow.
Here are some simple rules when it comes to listening.
Maintain eye contact and show interest. Ask questions to get more details about what your spouse is experiencing.
Ensure your partner knows that you are on his side. Do not take the side of whomever he is complaining about. This might be challenging for you, but just bite your tongue.
Remember that you are on the same team. This is not the time to correct or challenge your spouse.
Be empathetic. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to imagine how he is feeling.
4) Reflect back what you are hearing
To be a good listener in marriage, it’s important that you first understand what you are hearing. An easy way to know if you have heard correctly, is to simply repeat what you’ve heard.
Yup. Repeat exactly what your spouse has said word for word.
If your spouse corrects you, take note and just repeat what you’ve heard again. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.
5) Ask your spouse what he needs
Once you have gone through this entire process, ask your spouse if he needs your advice or if he just wants to vent. This is important because often times, we skip the empathy and jump right to advice. But sometimes, your spouse isn’t looking for your advice. He just wants a listening ear.
And there you have it. A simple formula to help you vent and reduce stress with your spouse.
Is communication strained in your marriage?As a marriage therapist in Houston, I can help you and your spouse develop healthier ways to support each other. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston
Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people, coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.
In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools that all couples should learn within their marriage is the 5 love languages.
Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.
In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.
The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?
You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.
Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.
1) Acts of Service
These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.
During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.
If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.
2) Physical touch
These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.
If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.
3) Gifts
These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.
If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.
4) Words of Affirmation
These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.
If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.
5) Quality Time
As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.
If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.
If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.
If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
Can marriage counseling in Houston make your marriage worse?
Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling is the thing to do.
You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”
You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.
Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.
Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling in Houston is the thing to do.
You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”
You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.
Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.
First, it’s important to get clear on why you want to attend marriage counseling in houston
Do you want to go to couples counseling in Houston because you want clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce? Are you hoping that marriage counseling in Houston will save your ailing marriage? Or are you hoping that marriage counseling will finally fix your stubborn husband?
Marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston can definitely give you clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce. Now, your marriage counselor probably won’t tell you what to do, but through the process of counseling, you might get deeper clarity into what you want about the future of your marriage.
Will couples therapy fix your stubborn husband? Don’t count on it. Well, unless your stubborn husband is ready to roll his sleeves and learn new ways of communicating, resolving conflict and engaging in your relationship.
The focus of marriage counseling should really be about teaching you new skills- NOT fixing the other person (Sorry!)
What if marriage counseling in houston makes things worse?
Okay let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.
But wait, don’t close your screen.
Think about it this way. Most people wait at least 6 years after the beginning of their marriage troubles before even seeking marriage counseling. So by the time they get into the marriage counselor’s office, there are A LOT of bitter feelings, there’s very low marital satisfaction, everyone is at their wit’s end and the foundation of the marriage is pretty shaky.
It’s not that the marriage is getting worse after marriage counseling, it’s that all the unspoken stuff is finally being aired out. Wouldn’t you rather address all that stuff and finally come to a resolution?
My job as a marriage counselor is to help you begin to unpack all the stuff you’ve been holding in for 6 years. I’ll help you unlearn how to speak to each other, we’ll unearth the resentment that one or both of you might be feeling at this time, we’ll work on forgiveness (if that’s what you need), and you’ll learn how to manage conflict too.
We are basically rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. So your marriage will feel uneasy- like a construction zone for a while. But once the pieces are in place, things will feel smooth again.
What if your marriage ends in divorce even after couples counseling in houston?
Let me be clear about something. My job as a marriage counselor is NOT necessarily to fix your marriage. My job is to give you and your spouse clarity regarding the future of your marriage.
Sometimes the future of your marriage looks like a blissful marriage. Sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you want to take a break. And sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you do not want to continue with the marriage at all.
My job is to support you in whatever decision you make.
I hope this helps.
If you have been struggling with communicating with your partner and you’re not sure how to navigate it, click here for your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Houston, TX or in the Murrieta/ Temecula area is right for you.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.
Many of my clients are:
5 truths about marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston
If you’ve thought about going to marriage counseling in Houston you might find yourself feeling scared. That’s totally normal. After all, the challenge is for you to open up to a complete stranger about the inner workings of your marriage.
Gulp!
This can feel deeply personal. The truth is that marriage counseling does involve a certain level of honesty and vulnerability from you. However, here are a few things to know about couples therapy in Houston before you dive in.
5 truths About Marriage Counseling in Houston
If you’ve thought about going to marriage counseling in Houston you, might find yourself feeling scared. That’s totally normal. After all, the challenge is for you to open up to a complete stranger about the inner workings of your marriage.
Gulp!
This can feel deeply personal. The truth is that marriage counseling does involve a certain level of honesty and vulnerability from you. However, here are a few things to know about couples therapy in Houston before you dive in.
Your marriage might get worse before it gets better
The process of marriage counseling in Houston involves peeling back the layers of your marriage. Most people come in sugar coating what’s really going on, but the best marriage therapists in Houston are able to gently help you reveal the not so pretty parts of your marriage- so that we can fix them for good.
This process can feel like things are getting worse. You’ll eventually be able to openly address issues that have long been swept under the rug, so you can hopefully fix them for good.
Marriage counseling in Houston is a lot of work
The truth is that no one can sustain a happy and healthy marriage without putting in some work. Marriage counseling isn’t about listening to your therapist speak to you for 45-50 minutes per week. It actually involves you voicing your real opinions, taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship and taking intentional steps to do things differently. It will feel like you’re a newlywed who’s just learning the ropes. As long as you come in with a hopeful attitude, you’ll see real positive change.
You have to be ready to hear the bitter truth from your marriage counselor
The goal of marriage counseling is to help you learn how to manage persistent problems in your marriage, so they don’t keep popping up repeatedly. Most couples have the same set of problems that they deal with over and over again. It feels infuriating. To finally break this annoying cycle, what I do as a marriage therapist is that I actually show you where the cracks are in your marriage. I then give you a choice on which cracks you’d like to finally patch, then we dive in and work through it.
Your marriage won’t change if you’re not willing to do the work during couples counseling
Many people want their marriage to be peaceful and they want to be the best of friends with their spouses, but they aren’t willing to do the hard work of actually changing their behavior. Well, marriage counseling is most certainly not magic. If you do not change the way you speak to your spouse and interact with her, your marriage will remain the same. You might as well just save your money.
But if you are willing to actually follow my guidance, learn new skills, build trust and do things differently, it’ll be much better than when you first began.
Your Houston couples therapist isn’t your friend
I try to be a friendly and approachable marriage therapist in Houston because I understand that when you come to me, it is so difficult to open up about your pain and struggles. However, that being said, I am not your friend. A friend will listen to you, give you a hug and send you on your merry way. A friend will tell you that you’re always right.
My job is to get to know you and your spouse as much as possible, learn why your marriage has become this way, and then give you very practical tools to actually change what is broken.
I work intensely with my couples, which means they see me for 50 minutes each week until their problem has been resolved. Every couple who works with me and actually does the work will see an improvement in their marriage relationship.
So, are you ready to see an improvement in your marriage? Are you sick and tired of arguments, misunderstandings and giving your spouse the cold shoulder? Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation to see if marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.
About me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.
Here’s why going to marriage counseling in Houston is so much better than just talking to your friends
Did you know that the average couple typically waits 6 years before seeking the help of a marriage counselor or marriage therapist? That means couples notice a problem, but they try to fight through it for 6 years!
Do you know what can happen in 6 years? You can watch your newborn become old enough to successfully start the first grade. You can get a bachelor’s degree AND a master’s degree. In 6 years you can also grow the most amazing friendship with your spouse.
Why marriage counseling is better than just talking to your friends
Did you know that the average couple typically waits 6 years before seeking the help of a marriage counselor or marriage therapist? That means couples notice a problem, but they try to fight through it for 6 years!
Do you know what can happen in 6 years? You can watch your newborn become old enough to successfully start the first grade. You can get a bachelor’s degree AND a master’s degree. In 6 years you can also grow the most amazing friendship with your spouse.
But if you do not play your cards right, in 6 years you could completely watch your marriage deteriorate without the support and guidance of a trained Houston licensed marriage and family therapist.
But because most people do not understand the value of marriage counseling, they defer to self- help books (which aren’t totally bad), videos, reels and the advice from friends (who may or may not know how to actually help your marriage).
Let’s talk further about why you’re much better off attending marriage counseling in Houston than confiding in your well meaning friends.
Not all your friends are well meaning
First of all, not all your friends mean well or have enough knowledge to actually help your marriage grow. Some of your friends are amazing people who are skilled in business or parenting, but behind closed doors, their own marriages suck. So they’ll give you the same sucky advice they’ve been implementing at home and your marriage will become a dumpster fire. Some friends will give you bad advice on purpose, while others genuinely mean well, but their approach to marriage will worsen your situation.
Your friends are biased
Friends typically are one sided. They feel the need to stand by you at all costs. That means if you’re doing something wrong in your marriage, they won’t feel comfortable telling you that you’re doing something wrong. They watch you make missteps, but they don’t say anything. They also will nod and smile at you every time you complain to them about your spouse, but they don’t actually correct you.
But when you’re in couples counseling in Houston, on the other hand, your therapist is skilled in the art of pointing out harmful behavior and gently correcting you. So you actually leave each session having accomplished something great for your marriage.
Your friends don't know your family dynamics
Your lovely friends do not know the impact that your upbringing and your husband’s upbringing play in your relationship. All they see are the current behaviors within your household and they will give you advice based on that. That’s an incomplete picture.
I, on the other hand, approach marriage counseling in Houston from a holistic approach. I take the environment and family that you and your spouse were raised into consideration when I support you. We work to strengthen patterns that are working and fix patterns that are broken. Can your friends do that?
Your friends aren't professionally trained
Your friends don’t know the right questions to ask. They only know what you’ve told them. And let’s be honest, most of us do not tell our friends about the shenanigans that we pull with our spouses. We sugar coat our stories to make ourselves look better. So when you go to your friends for marriage advice, they have no clue what they should actually be saying to help you.
Your friends don't know the signs of a mental health diagnosis
Your friends often do not know the difference between typical marital issues and marital issues that arise as a result of a mental health diagnosis. Let’s be honest, most people wouldn’t know what anxiety, depression or ADHD looked like if it slapped them in the face. But a trained, specialized marriage counselor in Houston will not only help you improve your marriage relationship, but they can actually work with you to help manage your mental health. It’s a two for one.
The next time you are tempted to pick up your phone to call or text a friend to complain about your struggling marriage, ask yourself if that’s actually a wise decision.
If you are finally ready to break your 6-year marriage turmoil streak and have a marriage that feels easy, is filled with laughter and great communication, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston.
Marriage counseling in Houston (I also provide marriage counseling to people in the Temecula, Murrieta CA area) can end your awful 6 year streak.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.
I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
How to boredom-proof your marriage
Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.
It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.
You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.
Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.
Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.
It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.
You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.
Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.
Have a marriage check in every month
I know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but it’s important to check in with your spouse regularly to actually ask them what they want and need. You see, as adults, we grow and change all the time. Sometimes you might think you’re fulfilling all your duties as a spouse, but your spouse is secretly pining for something else. When you do this check in, ask your spouse three questions:
What has been going well in our marriage this month?
What has not been going well in our marriage this month?
What is 1 thing I can do this month to make your heart happy?
You might get in your feelings about this. This isn’t the time to be defensive. Listen with an open heart so your marriage can improve.
Come up with a marriage bucket list
Your marriage feels stale because you are doing the same activities over and over again. Although stability is great in a marriage, novelty adds zest. Come up with a list of activities you want to try with one another. Don’t edit yourself. You can add travel, playing board games, visiting new restaurants, learning a new skill, etc. And don’t forget sex too! The list is endless.
Do the activities on the marriage bucket list
It seems like a great idea to come up with a marriage bucket list, but you actually have to do the activities on the marriage bucket list for it to actually work. To make sure it happens, pick 1 activity per month and plug it into your schedules. Make an actual plan. Too many couples make plans without actually implementing them. That’s where the fun stuff happens. When you make plans without implementing them, resentment can build up. And we don’t want that.
Get playful in your marriage
Marriage does not have to be that serious all the time. Yes, I know that you have so many responsibilities, but there has to be room for play and excitement. One of my favorite forms of play for couples is to utilize an app specifically for couples. Two of my favorite marriage/relationship apps are the Gottman Card Decks app and the Ultimate Intimacy app. They have conversation starters and all sorts of fun activities for couples. Why reinvent the wheel when it’s been done for you?
Meet up with other couples
Sometimes you get tired of staring at your husband’s face every night and you just want to meet new people. Plan a couples night where you can eat some good food, get to know some other couples, laugh and just break away from the monotony. You might learn some new things from other couples too.
Laugh together often
Life as an adult can be hard. We get so used to chasing money and career, raising kids and being responsible, that we rarely leave room for fun. Do things that make you both happy- dance, sing, watch a funny movie, be silly with each other, reminisce about old times. Remember why you both decide to be together.
If you are ready to finally get rid of the boredom in your marriage and bring back the spice you once had, click here to schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call. It’s time to take back your marriage.
About the author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Houston, Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.
I also provide marriage counseling in Houston to help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?