What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 4)

In my previous 3 blog posts, I have been sharing about the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity and simple ways to manage them. If you want to find out whether or not you are highly sensitive, take Dr Elaine Aron’s self test here.

In my 3 previous blog posts, I talked about;

Depth of Processing (Click here to read about it)

Overarousability (Click here to read about it)

Emotional Intensity (Click here to read about it)

And in this blog post, I’ll tackle Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the 4th characteristic of high sensitivity.

What exactly is sensory processing sensitivity?

Have you ever felt the itchy tag at the back of your shirt that drives you nuts? Or the seam in your socks that no one seems to notice? Or do you tend to feel cold when everyone else is fine? Maybe you have always had sensitive skin, or you pick up slight noises easily?

That’s sensory processing sensitivity. Your actual senses seem to be on overdrive.

People around you might not understand how you notice things like this. Maybe all the stimuli around you actually gives you a tummy ache or a headache. Or you seem to be bothered by certain fabrics, your foods touching, your hair being brushed, or shoes not fitting correctly. This could make you feel like something is wrong with you.

It is important to state here that you should probably first go to the physician to ensure that nothing is actually wrong, as we do not want to brush everything off as high sensitivity. Sometimes people actually do have allergies or actual physical disorders. So get that checked out first.

But if all of that pans out and you find out that you are actually highly sensitive, here are some things you might do about it:

How to cope with sensory processing sensitivity

One of the best ways to cope with sensory processing sensitivity is to set your home and work environment up for success. Think about taking care of your five senses.

1. Smell

   Ensure your home, car, closet and work environments are aired out regularly if possible. That eliminates stale smells that could cause you to gag or feel uncomfortable. If you have specific scents that you like, consider getting some type of air freshener, candles or essential oils to create relaxing or refreshing smells all around you. You could even include fresh flowers or plants to help oxygenate the indoor air.

2. Sight

   Clutter is the enemy of every highly sensitive person. Even if you are the most disorganized person on the earth, it will still drive you nuts. Come up with a very simple tidy up routine that you can do every night. I personally find it easier to tidy up as I go. If you struggle with being disorganized, this book will really help you thrive.

   Minimalist decor also presents you with less clutter for you to look at or stimuli for you to notice.

3. Sound

   When searching for an apartment or a home, if you can avoid it, avoid living on a busy intersection. The sound of traffic will most likely bother you. You might also try sleeping with a white noise machine or the sounds of nature to drown out environmental noises. Think about the sound of the appliances in your home. Things like televisions, radios, music or other appliances should be put into consideration. Having too many noises on at the same time can be overstimulating. For example, if your TV, computer and phone are going at the same time, it could become an issue for you.

4. Touch

   Include soft and comfortable textures in your home or office decor. Buy furniture that feels warm and cozy in the winter, and cool in the summertime.

   Although leather furniture tends to look appealing to the eye, it is often hot to sit on in the summer and pretty cold in the winter. Leather also tends to stick to the skin when you sweat.

   Only buy clothes that feel comfortable. Although we all want to wear the latest fashions, you will feel miserable if your fabric feels itchy and non-breathable. Include items cozy socks, and warm breathable bedding and pajamas in your home.

   Also be aware of the temperature you set your thermostat to- nothing too hot or too cold. Cool will feel the best.

5. Taste

   Some highly sensitive people cannot handle certain foods due to their smell, texture or taste. Do not force yourself to eat these foods- even if they are a cultural norm. Get used to setting boundaries and letting people know your food preferences.

   If you are a highly sensitive woman who is ready to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions, set clear boundaries and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough call so we can work together.

Family drama no more: How to survive family holiday events without stress or drama

The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.

Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.

The first thing to ask yourself is “Should I actually be attending family events this year?”

Yes, I know people say, “Blood is thicker than water,” but if blood will demean you, drive you nuts or leave you in tears, perhaps you might want to skip the gatherings altogether.

Please note that I’m not a big fan of canceling people or cutting them off, but if your family situation truly is toxic, you might have to sit this one out for your peace of mind. Your holidays can be spent alone or with other loved ones. Sometimes our friends can quickly become family.

Who says every holiday must be spent with family?

Once you have decided to actually go to family events, the following guidelines will save you from a heart attack.

Decide how long you will stay at the event

Because your family gets together for 8 hours on Thanksgiving Day, preps the meal together, sets the table together, then cleans up together, does not mean you have to follow that tradition. If you can only stomach them for 2 hours at a time, you decide when to show up and when to leave.

Yes, they’ll make a big fuss about you either leaving early or arriving late, but your peace of mind will be intact. Go in there, make the rounds and leave with your dignity intact.

That’s what we are aiming for this year.

Stay away from hot button topics and nosey aunties

If you’ve spent a lot of time with your family, you definitely know what topics you cannot discuss. In some families it’s politics. In others, it’s religion. And for others it could be issues around marriage, career plans, where you choose to live, child rearing issues, etc. Know the hot button topics and stay away from them at all costs.

If someone decides to bring those topics up (I’m referring to the nosey, fire starting aunties, then you can politely decide not to engage). Here’s what you can say:

“I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time.”

If they continue to query you, put your big girl pants on and stand your ground. No one can get you to discuss something you’re not ready for. No one.

Stick with the cool family members

Even though your family might be filled with troublesome characters, you probably have 1 or 2 cool family members left. You know, the quiet cousin who sits in the corner because she doesn’t like drama. Or the uncle who is positioned in front of the TV because he doesn’t care for gossip.

Find the cool, level headed family members and make them your buddies during the event. They’ll probably appreciate you for doing that because they don’t care for family drama either.

Stay away from lies

When we find ourselves in a pickle, sometimes we revert to our 7 year old selves and we spew tons of lies to protect ourselves. For example, if Aunt Margaret asks you “Why are you 2 hours late to dinner?” you feel like you’re in trouble and you start to tell an entire tale to save yourself.

You are no longer a child and Aunt Margaret has no control over you. Answer her like the adult that you are. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to lie either. A big part of gaining peace of mind is being able to be yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.

There you have it. Some simple tips to help your holiday festivities feel a little more festive.

If you are sick and tired of being controlled by gossiping aunties and a toxic family, and you are ready to learn how to be an adult again, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me. I’m a licensed therapist in CA and TX, and helping to set people free from the bondage of a toxic family, is one of my favorite things to do.

I hope you enjoy your holiday season!

How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston

Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.

In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.

The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?

You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.

Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.

1) Acts of Service

These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.

During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.

If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.

2) Physical touch

These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.

If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.

3) Gifts

These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.

If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.

4) Words of Affirmation

These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.

5) Quality Time

As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.

If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.

If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.

If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 truths about marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston

5 truths About Marriage Counseling in Houston

If you’ve thought about going to marriage counseling in Houston you, might find yourself feeling scared. That’s totally normal. After all, the challenge is for you to open up to a complete stranger about the inner workings of your marriage. 

Gulp!

This can feel deeply personal. The truth is that marriage counseling does involve a certain level of honesty and vulnerability from you. However, here are a few things to know about couples therapy in Houston before you dive in.

Your marriage might get worse before it gets better

The process of marriage counseling in Houston involves peeling back the layers of your marriage. Most people come in sugar coating what’s really going on, but the best marriage therapists in Houston are able to gently help you reveal the not so pretty parts of your marriage- so that we can fix them for good. 

This process can feel like things are getting worse. You’ll eventually be able to openly address issues that have long been swept under the rug, so you can hopefully fix them for good.

Marriage counseling in Houston is a lot of work

The truth is that no one can sustain a happy and healthy marriage without putting in some work. Marriage counseling isn’t about listening to your therapist speak to you for 45-50 minutes per week. It actually involves you voicing your real opinions, taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship and taking intentional steps to do things differently. It will feel like you’re a newlywed who’s just learning the ropes. As long as you come in with a hopeful attitude, you’ll see real positive change.

You have to be ready to hear the bitter truth from your marriage counselor

The goal of marriage counseling is to help you learn how to manage persistent problems in your marriage, so they don’t keep popping up repeatedly. Most couples have the same set of problems that they deal with over and over again. It feels infuriating. To finally break this annoying cycle, what I do as a marriage therapist is that I actually show you where the cracks are in your marriage. I then give you a choice on which cracks you’d like to finally patch, then we dive in and work through it.

Your marriage won’t change if you’re not willing to do the work during couples counseling

Many people want their marriage to be peaceful and they want to be the best of friends with their spouses, but they aren’t willing to do the hard work of actually changing their behavior. Well, marriage counseling is most certainly not magic. If you do not change the way you speak to your spouse and interact with her, your marriage will remain the same. You might as well just save your money.

But if you are willing to actually follow my guidance, learn new skills, build trust and do things differently, it’ll be much better than when you first began.

Your Houston couples therapist isn’t your friend

I try to be a friendly and approachable marriage therapist in Houston because I understand that when you come to me, it is so difficult to open up about your pain and struggles. However, that being said, I am not your friend. A friend will listen to you, give you a hug and send you on your merry way. A friend will tell you that you’re always right.

My job is to get to know you and your spouse as much as possible, learn why your marriage has become this way, and then give you very practical tools to actually change what is broken. 

I work intensely with my couples, which means they see me for 50 minutes each week until their problem has been resolved. Every couple who works with me and actually does the work will see an improvement in their marriage relationship.

So, are you ready to see an improvement in your marriage? Are you sick and tired of arguments, misunderstandings and giving your spouse the cold shoulder? Click here to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation to see if marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to boredom-proof your marriage

Marriage is a beautiful thing. You meet this amazing, beautiful person who makes your heart flutter every time you speak to them. So you decide to take the plunge and marry them. After all, you only have eyes  for them. Then years pass by and you realize your life feels like deja vu. You wake up, take the kids to school, head to work, send each other a text (or not), come home, eat dinner, clean up, sleep, rinse and repeat.

It’s the same old schedule day in and day out. Although your life feels good, you want more. So. Much. More.

You are sick and tired of the monotony in your marriage. Don’t worry. I see this all the time during couples counseling in Houston.

Here are some simple ways to boredom-proof your marriage.

Have a marriage check in every month

I know this doesn't sound sexy at all, but it’s important to check in with your spouse regularly to actually ask them what they want and need. You see, as adults, we grow and change all the time. Sometimes you might think you’re fulfilling all your duties as a spouse, but your spouse is secretly pining for something else. When you do this check in, ask your spouse three questions:

• What has been going well in our marriage this month?

• What has not been going well in our marriage this month?

• What is 1 thing I can do this month to make your heart happy?

You might get in your feelings about this. This isn’t the time to be defensive. Listen with an open heart so your marriage can improve.

Come up with a marriage bucket list

Your marriage feels stale because you are doing the same activities over and over again. Although stability is great in a marriage, novelty adds zest. Come up with a list of activities you want to try with one another. Don’t edit yourself. You can add travel, playing board games, visiting new restaurants, learning a new skill, etc. And don’t forget sex too! The list is endless.

Do the activities on the marriage bucket list

It seems like a great idea to come up with a marriage bucket list, but you actually have to do the activities on the marriage bucket list for it to actually work. To make sure it happens, pick 1 activity per month and plug it into your schedules. Make an actual plan. Too many couples make plans without actually implementing them. That’s where the fun stuff happens. When you make plans without implementing them, resentment can build up. And we don’t want that.

Get playful in your marriage

Marriage does not have to be that serious all the time. Yes, I know that you have so many responsibilities, but there has to be room for play and excitement. One of my favorite forms of play for couples is to utilize an app specifically for couples. Two of my favorite marriage/relationship apps are the Gottman Card Decks app and the Ultimate Intimacy app. They have conversation starters and all sorts of fun activities for couples. Why reinvent the wheel when it’s been done for you?

Meet up with other couples

Sometimes you get tired of staring at your husband’s face every night and you just want to meet new people. Plan a couples night where you can eat some good food, get to know some other couples, laugh and just break away from the monotony. You might learn some new things from other couples too.

Laugh together often

Life as an adult can be hard. We get so used to chasing money and career, raising kids and being responsible, that we rarely leave room for fun. Do things that make you both happy- dance, sing, watch a funny movie, be silly with each other, reminisce about old times. Remember why you both decide to be together.

If you are ready to finally get rid of the boredom in your marriage and bring back the spice you once had, click here to schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call. It’s time to take back your marriage.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Houston, Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also provide marriage counseling in Houston to help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to finally boredom proof your marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation for marriage counseling in Houston.

Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can better support them)

One of the biggest struggles I see in my Houston couples counseling practice, is that women feel overworked and overburdened. If your wife consistently has been feeling overwhelmed, here are some ways you can better support her. It’s not just great for her, it’ll boost your marriage relationship.

Here are some reasons why married moms feel disconnected from their spouses.

1) Moms are carrying too much of the mental load

Even among couples who divide the domestic work, moms typically are responsible for way too much. Even though both the husband and the wife might cook, clean, grocery shop and pick kids up from school, working married moms still have significantly more to think about. This increase in mental load could create resentment and exhaustion.

News flash! Exhaustion is NOT sexy in your marriage.

What exactly do I mean by ‘carrying too much of the mental load?’ Let’s take the kids’ education for example. Even though I see lots of dads in the pickup line at school (which is great), in addition to school pickup, moms are usually responsible for:

• Doing research on the best schools for your kids to attend

• Actually filling out the paperwork so your kids can attend school

• Ordering uniforms, school clothes and supplies

• Ensuring the kids are fed in the morning before school and that they are on time for school

• Helping kids with homework and projects

• Doing research about extracurricular activities

• Signing the kids up for these activities

• Following up with teachers and coaches about their kids’ performance, and the list goes on and on.

  So while dads are picking and dropping kids off, moms are responsible for at least 9 more activities. And that is in just 1 area of life alone.

  If mom is working outside of the home, she has to do this in addition to her job. Might I also add that mom is usually the go to contact in school? So teachers will email or text moms before even thinking about reaching out to dad.

After dealing with stuff like this, women will feel quite under appreciated and exhausted. Can you imagine how this can negatively impact your marriage?

How to support her:

In my Houston marriage counseling practice, I encourage couples to have regular conversations about the division of labor in the household. Although it might seem like things are fair, moms are carrying much more emotional labor than they need to. Dads should make it clear to the school that they are a valuable point of contact regarding kids’ behavior and ongoing school activities.

This conversation should also be had regarding other areas in the household such as domestic chores, healthcare, managing money, etc.

2) some husbands are not checking in on their wives enough

Moms are typically the backbone of the household. The kids go to her for everything- even when dad is sitting right next to the kids. While this can seem so lovely and it’s definitely a blessing, it’s overwhelming for many moms.

While some dads might think moms are just naturally better at this kind of stuff, it’s just a myth. Moms only become ‘better at kid stuff’ because they are often the default. As moms listen to and problem solve with the kids all day, it sends the message that mom is the go to for anything child-related or domestic.

And as mom is taking care of these activities, she often feels alone. She has to juggle her career, attending to the needs of the kids, focusing in the other relationships in her life and trying to be a great wife.

Often times women will check in with their husbands during the day to ensure that they have everything they need to be successful. But who checks up on women? It is sometimes assumed that because moms are able to juggle so many tasks, they don’t need emotional and physical support.

How to support her:

When kids are sitting right next to you, but they ask mom for help, redirect them back to you. It’s important that dads are established as a valid resource in the household. You don’t have to wait until you get to couples cousneling to do this (although marriage counseling is a great place to have this conversation too). Remember that moms aren’t intrinsically better at domestic duritess or child rearing activities. Moms only become good at these activities because they have a lot of practice in this area.

If dads intentionally engage within the household, they too will become so much better and more capable. It’s a win win because mom will have some stress off her back, and dads relationship with the kids will improve.

3) moms don’t get much of a break

Moms often do not get much of a break. After spending all day at work, they have to come back home to kids who need their attention, a pile of laundry, they have to figure out what’s for dinner, and they still have to meet the emotional needs of their husband and kids.

By the end of the night, they are emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. This does not leave a lot of mental space for them to chase their own dreams, put their feet up or just feel calm. This also takes a toll on their marriage too because by the time the day is over, they don’t have anything else to give.

How to support her:

Normalize having regular check ins with your wife. Never assume that the status quo is working well for her. Periodically, ask her how’s she’s feeling, what she needs and how you can best support her. Make this a two way conversation so she knows how you would like support too. When she knows that you see her and validate her feelings, she’ll trust you more and feel closer to you.

4)You stopped dating her when you said “I do.”

Marriage is a continuous dance. You have to keep dating and getting to know each other for the rest of your lives. Typically, both parties spend a lot of time together during the dating phase and a bit into the first year of marriage, but once the kids come, the marriage usually takes the backseat to domestic responsibilities.

Date night goes out of the window, you stop telling her how pretty she is, words of affirmation are nonexistent, and before you know it, you’re trapped in a roommate/coworker situation.

How to support her:

Intentionally plan date nights and outings. Marriage is a continued process of change and excitement. Don’t be boring. Embrace adventure and novelty in your marriage. Find new places to visit together, watch new shows together, try to find new interests and invite excitement into your marriage. Many moms feel like being a mom is their only identity. They feel a sense of loss of self and they struggle to find who they are again.

And even if you’r not able to go on adventures together, plan quality time within your home or around your neighborhood.

If you are ready to learn how to finally support each in your marriage, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Houston is right for you. You can actually have a blissful marriage. It doesn't have to be so hard.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help married couples in Houston learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps and find out more about marriage counseling in Houston, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation call.