Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/9/22 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/9/22

How to become an active listener in your marriage in 5 easy steps

One of the biggest struggles that I notice during marriage counseling, is that couples do a pretty poor job of listening to one another. In the moment, things get heated, and you realize you have no idea how to effectively listen to your spouse.

You see, when most people hear their spouse speaking, they are running through all of their possible responses - instead of listening to what their spouse has to say. If you struggle with poor communication in your marriage, here is a simple way to become a better active listener in your marriage. Better communication in marriage helps improve your closeness and intimacy.

One of the most prevalent concerns I see in Houston relationship therapy is couples that don't listen to one another. Things get heated at the moment, and you realize you have no idea how to listen to your partner correctly.

Better communication in marriage contributes to increased closeness and intimacy. When most people hear their spouse speak, they think about their possible responses rather than listening to what their spouse is saying. Here's a straightforward approach to improve communication in your marriage if you're having trouble improving your active listening skills.

Before we dive in, what exactly is active listening?

Most couples come to Christian marriage counseling in Houston saying they want a stronger connection. Active listening is listening intently to grasp better what your partner is saying. It helps create empathy and connection in a relationship.

On the other hand, passive listening is listening just because or listening while waiting for your spouse to stop talking so that you can finish up whatever you are saying.

Active listening helps improve intimacy and connection. Passive listening is self-serving and doesn't do anything to improve your relationship. And if you'd like to improve your communication in marriage, you want to become pretty good at active listening.

So, here are the steps to become a better active listener in your marriage or relationship.

1) Allow your spouse to speak without interruptions.

Listen without saying anything while your spouse is talking about something essential. All your energy should ensure you hear every last word. Focus on his body language gives you a little clue about how he feels. It's critical to fight the impulse to correct or defend yourself.

It seems easy, but it's pretty tricky, so I practice with my Couples counseling in Houston.

This seems easy, but it’s actually quite difficult- which is why I practice with my couples who are in marriage counseling.

2.)Repeat what you heard him say.

So often, when we are trying to listen to others, we pass what they are saying through our mental filter. Sometimes what we hear them say is not what they're saying.

It is when miscommunication and arguments happen in relationships. Instead of clarifying, we argue back and forth. To avoid arguments, after every sentence or 2, pause your spouse and repeat back what you heard him say.

If he agrees with you correctly, he can move on to the following sentence. If you misheard him, he gets to clarify. Please don't blame him for the wording. Focus on trying to understand him.

It is another crucial step when clients work with me during marriage counseling in Houston.

3) Suspend judgment and the need to defend yourself. Marriage is not war.

Marriage is not war. I say this all the time during marriage therapy in Houston. A healthy marriage comprises two partners who are willing to communicate and understand each other. To achieve that, you should benefit your spouse from the doubt. Expect and assume that your spouse only wants what is best for you and your marriage. Because marriage is not war, you do not have to defend yourself. So when your spouse is speaking, do not jump in to defend yourself. Take some deep breaths and try to get to the bottom of what he is trying to say. Make it about him- not you.

The best marriage counselors in Houston will let you know that preconceived assumptions can cause trouble in relationships.

4) Put your empathy hat on.

One thing Houston relationship therapist is: "Trying to understand why your spouse is feeling this way." Put your feelings aside and try to empathize with him. When you can empathize, lower your guard to come to a resolution with him. It involves teamwork. Remember that your spouse is your partner, and your joint enemy is disagreement. So work together to overcome it.

5) Respond appropriately by validating your spouse. It's a great way to have a peaceful marriage.

After you have spent time actively listening to your spouse, and It is done with his side of the story, it's time to validate him. Most Houston couples in therapy do not validate enough. They jump straight from talking about the issue to trying to fix it. But they miss a huge step. Validation is the key to repairing when there's a misunderstanding. Validation doesn't necessarily mean you agree with what your spouse is saying. Validation helps your spouse feel seen and increases connection.

After completing the above steps, you can talk about your side of the story. Hopefully, your partner will also follow the above steps.

What will active listening do for your marriage?

If you are ready to improve the communication in your marriage to form a much deeper connection with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me (I'm a Black marriage therapist in Houston seeing clients in Texas and throughout the Murrieta area). Remember, marriage isn't war.

About The Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/21

Marriage Counseling Tips: How to communicate almost anything in your marriage

In marriage counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I teach couples how to effectively communicate so that they can avoid fights, reduce misunderstandings and learn how to get on the same page. Click to learn more.

Marriage is such a beautiful thing- two people in love coming together to make a life together. But what happens after a few years when the butterflies fade? Sometimes you look at your spouse and wonder why you can’t just get along. You wonder why you married him, and you suddenly realize that you do not know how to communicate with your spouse.

One of the biggest struggles I see when I work with couples in marriage counseling in Temecula, is that they do not know how to talk to one another in a way that the other person can easily understand and accept.

But never fear, communication in marriage is a skill that anyone can learn.

Here is how to easily communicate almost anything in your marriage.

Prepare for the Conversation

Know what outcome you’re looking for before you communicate.

The outcome of the communication determines what your goal actually say. Is your purpose to clarify something that seems unclear? Is your purpose to apologize for a wrong you’ve done? (Yes, apologies should happen often in marriage). Is your purpose to seek understanding and improve friendship? Or is your purpose to problem solve and brainstorm a situation?

Pick 1 issue at a time. Your marriage can’t take nit picking.

In marriage counseling, typically couples talk about too many issues at once. This often leads to a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, or just frustration. When you talk about too many issues at once, it is almost impossible to fix them all in one sitting.

To fix this, focus on one issue at the time, and make sure you keep the main thing the main thing. So for example, if the purpose of the conversation is to brainstorm how you're going to spend your summer, focus on summer plans alone.

This is not the time to talk about the kids going back to school, previous marital struggles or your career.

Pick one issue, talk through the issue, and only move on to another issue if both of you have the emotional bandwidth to have another discussion.

Pick an appropriate time or set an appointment

Now I know that the idea of setting an appointment with your spouse in a marriage is not sexy at all. But clear communication is very sex-it helps your spouse have clarity when you are speaking.

If you know that you're ready to discuss something heavy or something important, let your spouse know that you have something important to talk about, and ask them what their schedule looks like over the next week. After you do that, pick an appropriate time that would be free from distractions. There's no bigger frustration than trying to talk to your husband when he is watching a UFC fight. He will have one eye on the fight, and one eye on you, creating a feeling of irritation on your part. So set an appointment.

Time to talk. How to talk and what to say.

Step 1: “I statements” never fail

Another mistake that most couples make when I see them in marriage counseling, is that they keep the conversation focused on their spouse. I hear them say “You never do …”, “You always do…” They keep the conversation focused on “You, you, you.”

When your spouse hears the word ‘you,’ they immediately feel attacked. And when someone feels attacked their fight or flight reaction kicks in. So most people either shut down during the conversation, or will feel the need to defend themselves and start a fight.

But what do you want is for your spouse to be open, put their walls down, open their ears, so that they can truly understand what you are communicating.

To provide such a positive environment it is important to use I statements. So try starting with, I feel like [insert].

Step 2: Have the listener reflect back what the speaker is saying

When your spouse is communicating something important to you, focus on truly understanding what they are saying.

Stay quiet so that you can capture everything that they are saying. Resist the urge to correct them, to argue with them, or to be defensive. After every sentence, or every other sentence, repeat back what you hear them saying to you.

This gives them the chance to also hear what they are saying to you. It is important that you reflect back, so that your spouse can correct you if you have heard their statement incorrectly. Once you reflect their statement, and your partner has agreed that what you have reflected back is indeed accurate, then your spouse continue to talk.

Keep reflecting his statements, until he is done addressing that one issue.

Step 3: Validate your spouse

This is a step that most couples skip. When your husband or wife says something important to you, take time to listen, reflect, then validate their feelings. Validation is something as simple as "I can't understand why you feel that way." Or “I can see why you would be upset.”

Watch your tone here, so that you don't come across as sarcastic or disrespectful. Also watch those facial expressions. Remember the idea here is to come to a place of understanding, NOT fight each other.

Step 4: The listener can now speak

Once the person speaking is done, and the listener has reflected back what he or she has heard, it is now time for the listener to have their turn speaking.

And the same rules apply.

When the listener becomes the speaker, the other spouse must stay quiet, and then reflect back what they think they are hearing. If the person speaking has a correction to make, then he or she can then correct the person that was speaking.

It is important that we slow down our communication, to prevent anything we say from being misconstrued, when your partner does misconstrue your statements, it is OK to have them pause so that you can correct them.

Step 5: Seal it with a kiss (Or a hug or a hand hold or whatever form of affection you like)

And to seal everything off when you're done addressing that one issue, feel free to hold your partner’s hand, give them a kiss, a hug and apologize or just repair what was broken a few minutes ago.

Remember that good communication in marriage is possible for everyone, however it does take a whole lot of practice. But the more you practice, the better you get at these communication skills.

If you feel like you and your spouse are having a difficult time in your marriage, you don't see eye to eye, and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, to see if marriage counseling in Temecula is right for you.

I also provide Christian marriage counseling in the Murrieta, Temecula area.

book a free 15-min consult call

marriage counseling murrieta temecula.jpg

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 7/15/21 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 7/15/21

How to connect with your spouse with physical touch

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

Here is a simple way to connect with your spouse if their love language is physical touch.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me or exit this page, let me just say that physical touch has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex.

If your love language isn’t physical touch, you might find It hard to connect in your marriage in that way. But I’m going to simplify it for you so that your marriage can be enriched and your spouse can feel all the more connected to you. Trust me, these are skills that couples in my therapy practice use all the time.

I find during my marriage counseling sessions that the number 1 issue that spouses face is trying to love their husband or wife using their own love language, rather than speaking their spouse’s specific language.

A quick note: Everyone has a love language. And physical touch can be anyone’s love language- even kids, teens, elderly parents and of course, spouses too.

Let’s get into it.

Invite more hugging into your marriage

A great way to connect using physical touch is through hugs. Many married couples do not hug enough. When I say ‘hug,’ I mean a warm embrace- not the awkward side church hug. You know the type- you use your hands to awkwardly touch the other person's shoulders and try hard to not have any other body parts connect.

When last did you actually hold on to your spouse? When your love language is physical touch, it means that you connect with others using your body. It’s not creepy or weird. It’s natural and human.

Before you leave the house, give your spouse a nice embrace. At night time or bed time, give your spouse a hug. When there’s a celebration, give your spouse a nice, warm hug. Actually wrap your hands around them and let them wrap their arms around you. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time.

A hug does not have to last 10 minutes. You can hold them for as little as 5 to 10 seconds, but doing this small gesture frequently, will really boost the connection in your marriage.

Married Couples should hold hands more often

This is another one I really like. When you’re taking a walk, getting the mail down the street or going to a restaurant, use that as an opportunity to hold hands with your spouse. Even if you’re sitting on the couch together and watching TV, reach your hand across, find theirs and hold it. When you go to church, a concert or engaging in another activity, just hold your spouse’s hand. If they’re having a difficult time, or expressing a big emotion, reach out to them and hold their hand.

That sends the message that you care and you see them. It also increases the connection in your marriage. Greater connection equals greater intimacy and friendship. See how it all ties together?

Sitting together with connected bodies

When you’re sitting on the couch together, ensure that some part of your bodies are touching. You could put your arm around their shoulder, place a hand on their lap or even touch knees. Any type of physical connection is what they need to stay in tune with you. See how easy that is? Small gestures go a long way.

If physical touch isn’t your love language, it might be daunting at first, but you’re not being asked to cuddle for 30 minutes a day or have sex daily. When you add all the little physical gestures, you might spend a total of 5 to 10 minutes a day speaking your spouses love language. It really doesn't take that long. And as you practice more often, it’ll get easier.

Cuddling increases intimacy in couples

Speaking of cuddling, this is also a great way to connect using physical touch. You don’t have to wait until nighttime to cuddle. A cuddle is just an extended hug or embrace so that your spouse feels seen, heard and connected.

If you’re thinking, “This is really hard,” tell yourself “This isn’t hard. It feels different, but it’s a way to deepen connection in my marriage.” Your spouse hopefully connects with you using your love language, so this is your way of showing them that you care.

Butt tap

This one is all about play, because I’m all for married couples being playful with each other- not every time so serious.

When your spouse is walking in front of you, you could reach out and tap them on the butt. It’s all in good fun. However, if they do not like it, then do not do it. Same thing with hand holding or any of the other physical touch gestures. Only touch your spouse in a way that creates comfort and safety- which is why communication is important in your marriage. Respect and consent are a great part of marriage or coupledom.

A light touch creates joy

A light touch when you’re speaking is also an underutilized form of physical connection in marriage. Sometimes when you’re in mid sentence, you can touch them lightly on the shoulder, on their lap or even on the arm. They need to feel you to feel connected.

Massages

Massages do not have to be sexual- although they could be if you both want to, but if that feels like too much pressure, then a massage can just be used as a tool for relaxation and connection. Do whatever types of massage that you both feel comfortable with. It can be a shoulder massage, back massage, head massage, foot massage- whatever works well for you.

As you’re giving a massage, you can ask them “Do you like this to be harder Orr softer?” “Do you like the smell of the body oil?”

There is no pressure or expectation for anything. Just focus on connecting. Period. Pick what works for you. If you absolutely hate touching feet, don’t give a foot massage. Focus on the areas you’re more comfortable with.

Note that you do not have to do all of the above suggestions. Just figure out what is comfortable for you. If you don’t like hugs or massages, focus on hand holding and sitting together. If you don’t like butt taps, but massages are fine, then focus on that. Just pick one or two of these tips and do them regularly.

If you are ready to take your relationship or marriage from stale and disconnected to feeling intimate and understood, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to learn more about marriage counseling. I work with couples throughout California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are: